more than conquerors

 I am thinking of switching my blog server or domain or whatever this .com thing is called. I am perfectly comfortable at youreyeswide.livejournal.com, and I really do appreciate consistency and a sense of continuity. But the thing is that viruses keep spamming my comment boxes- and my feelings are being cheated because I always think someone cares when no one does, really.

And also, it would be nice to have a blog url that meant something, you know, instead of just youreyeswide, which I picked out from a The Academy Is... song, back in the day when I was still into them. 

I used to be really excited about making new blogs. It meant new starts! Fresh beginnings! 

But now I'm sad about having to leave this space. Because I just installed this new header during the summer break, and I happen to think it's the nicest header I've ever had. I love the blog name 'More Than Conquerors' because I think it is my favourite verse- but all other domains have had that particular url taken up already. Bother.

I guess I'll have to sleep on this one. 
Or not. :)

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I will always love you, youreyeswide. The thought of being More Than (a) Conqueror(s) will always be close to my heart, in my heart. But you know, the best is yet to be :)

Edit: sneakersforsneaking.tumblr.com

 Today I felt like such a champ! Not because I am one, but because I skulked around the library afterhours and managed to get my hands on the copy of the Labour Law textbook that basically, Joyce just returned. Woohoo! 7 day loan! PTL PTL PTL!

I was so happy, I totally skipped back to my computer and when I saw Louis, I went WHAT super loudly because I was so happy I forgot I was on the third floor. You can't talk on the third floor. 

And I was like, Goodbye Louis, because I had gotten what i had came for, having waited around very sadly for about half an hour, wondering when the librarian would be coming round with his cart. 

Anyway, I ran down three flights of stairs, and did a little dance before the borrowing station. Then I borrowed my book. 

Heady with the sensation of having achieved something after such an exhausting day, I walked out into the cold and behind a bunch of people coming from the campus centre heading toward the bus loop. 

I was looking around noticing how dark it was for six thirty, and in the distance I saw a couple grasp hands and run across the road, running pretty hard and pretty fast, looking like they were about to die of happiness. 

The strange thing wasn't that they were two guys holding hands, I think the strange thing was how thrilling it seemed. Honestly, if they were a heterosexual couple, I don't know if that happiness would have translated so strongly. I got this sense of liberation, of youth, of fool-hardiness, just seeing them run. I feel like that moment will stay with me for some time. Just because I'm a hopeless romantic. And it was twilight. 

And I know that it may seem to stand for everything that I don't stand for- homosexuality and christianity? crazy fleeting young love? Perhaps...

It's definitely difficult to reconcile- but it's moments like these that just let me imagine God's heart filling with love for them. Perhaps because my heart is feeling their love. Ah. I! feel! Naive!

I was just telling Desiree over dinner: I never thought this would be so hard. Is it supposed to feel like this? To which she replied, how do you think it's supposed to feel?

And I was walking home, and I realized that what I told Eilene this afternoon was really meant for me- that if I couldn't feel the weight, I wasn't carrying my cross. 

Hmm. 

was writing this post went we got back last night, half-dead-exhausted, half-really-psyched. I mean, it's not every day that you find yourself driving to the beach and getting lost; making three big trips, having desiree fall asleep through out most of it- finally finding the beach, and dancing on the sand, light-painting, wondering if you can see the milky way (or if you're actually in it) under this amazing, endless sky, , singing hillsongs and waving to God. (Happy Birthday Joewin! )

To say the least, I've been feeling so weird this whole week. Ever since I got back from camp, I feel like my life has just been turned upside-down. Weird in a good way- it's like when you go from primary school to secondary school. And you know that your life has been irrevocably changed, and you couldn't go back if you wanted to. You know you'll be okay after awhile, you just have to get used to it.

 Wow. Back from Easter Camp! I have too much to say.

Camp was so amazing. I mean, I thought that I would be missing out because i was organizing it, but I was so wrong. I mean, looking at it from a sort of 'outsider' perspective, it was really mindblowing. The comm had been praying for God to move so strongly for this camp, and that the hearts of the campers would be ready for movement and courage and strength, and personal encounters with God.

And I don't know how it is with camps, this could happen all the time, but I guess what matters is that the committee and so many other people really got to see God moving in this very strong way. I mean, the third night was meant for ministry night, but I really feel like we spent the second night, the third day morning and the official ministry night just really standing in God's presence to praise Him, or to ask Him for things, or to tell Him things. That's a lot of things that God said, I think. :)

This was a camp with so many 'firsts' for me. It was the first time that I really felt free from the past. I was just reminded or it was revealed to me of just how strong and how loving God is. It was the first time that God spoke to me through another person. It was the first time that God spoke through me to other people. It was the first time that I survived four days with such little sleep and made it through unscathed! Albeit a little hoarse. It was the first time that I organized an Easter Camp with the help of so many other amazing people! Audrey, Joel, Sarah, Arabelle, Eugene Ting, Erwin, Ivie, Vic Chair were such blessings to me, they've really helped me along this journey of 2011. It's so sad that EC is finally over because I will feel like something is missing on Saturday or Sundays, and I will really miss those prayer sessions. Thanks guys. Thank you God :)

Talking to Cher:

You've come a full circle. In Secondary school you were this level-headed, cool person. Then you went to JC and you got slightly... teenage. And then you went to Melbourne, and you got... really teenage. 

(awkward cough)

But now you're like, back to where you were. You're like back to normal and you have all this wisdom now and stuff.

-
I was really encouraged by what she said :) and... I guess a big part of this entire thing is the need to forgive myself too.

urkel! I am so darn tired.  I need to take photos, and PTL is my new favourite acronym.

Also, if you want to marry me, you're going to have to let me have a Beatles-themed walk down the aisle. Totally inspired by Phoebe's walk down her aisle! And love the guy she married too! Paul Rudd! AHH! Youtube is being mean, and I can't embed the video. But you can watch the scene here, and smile like an idiot to yourself. 

VAI do I have so much VORK.

 My parents are finally here! And my dreaded Consti essay has been printed out and slotted into the relevant pigeon-hole, everything lies in the hands of my marker now. To be honest, I am just quite glad that it's over. It's definitely not my best piece of work, but I am just exhausted right now.

SO... my parents are super awesomee! They brought my clunky old Macbook over (I call him Ferris! I know you're all like, ew Cola- but it's after ferris bueller. talk to the hand~) because my sleek and chic Macbook Pro keeps doing these weird panic attacks. I guess age is catching up. It's homing in on its second year of life. Ferris is like, deceptively young though. I think he's about 3ish. He totally died on me when I was in Trinity. Then they brought him back to Singapore to revive him.

And he's alive! But really slow.

Anyways, got some EC stuff to take care of. Sorry I couldn't say a lot today. would upload a gratuitous picture of self, but i can't see the icons and the picture i randomly chose turned out to be of a hand holding an angpao. So oh wells! Toodles!

Psalm 40:5
"Your thoughts toward us cannot be recounted to You in order; If I would declare and speak of them, they are more than can be numbered."

Mindful
Last night I was reading this devotional thingy on my phone.

And I learnt that God never forgets me! He not only has the ability to know things but the wilful desire to keep track of things. Not because He is God. But because He is my Father and my Friend.

So... things He knows:

- I keep missing Prop lectures!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- And today I skipped my first LAW 4119 lecture :'( I had perfect attendance. 

- I want to sleep. Still. 

- To say that because I'm doing OCF stuff, God will take care of all my studies... is kind of irresponsible isn't it? And not Christ-like at all.

Things I need to remember:

-Nothing will ever be completely in our control. There won't be an element of surprise either!

- Trusting that even though I've failed, He's still there for me. 
Even though I have failed to go to class today. And am feeling totally behind. I just have to trust that all things work together for my good. 



Questions:

- On a side note: I have got to stop judging people. Who are annoying me. With their value judgments on other people. How do you even deal? 

 On Saturday night I was sort of freaking out because I realized that almost everything in my larder had expired. Instant noodles. Canned mushrooms. And my beef went bad. This meant no food. Except Nutella sandwiches. (Which are nice, but still. You can't eat Nutella sandwiches 24/7...) 

And because I've been waking up later in the morning, I usually eat breakfast for lunch. Which means two meals a day. Which means me always being hungry. 

Which means being very thankful for the good good food!